Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
