I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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