she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
