i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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