i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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