I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
