I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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