I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
