Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
