Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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