he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You ruined the universe
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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