Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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