Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
