hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Apparently you make a good broom.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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