i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I believe in your delicious
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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