I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Houston, we have a blender
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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