i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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