I just saw a hot homeless man
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
