happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
