God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
