how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
