the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
