but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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