I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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