She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
