Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
