Your face is a jimmy john
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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