I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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