someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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