Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She told me I should be a condom model.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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