just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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