The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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