She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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