Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
