I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
