It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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