I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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