so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just had sex bonerless
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize