i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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