Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
