i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
