I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
