when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
And then he peed in my hair
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