I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My ATM looks so different sober.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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