I hate your face
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
