dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
