Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
how does that bad decision feel?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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