census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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