so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
