I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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