Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Randomize
