Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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