Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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