i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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