Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
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I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
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This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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