There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
