I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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