two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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