i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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